So close, yet so far

When all is said and done, I'm ready to graduate. I am ready to get married and to have my own space that isn't ugly cinder blocks, corporate carpet, and metal bathroom stalls and food that isn't so questionable (except I'm not really that interested in cooking, so I've come to appreciate the caf in its own mediocre way... at least there's a salad bar). I am out of motivation to study. My seminar is almost done and I can't bring myself to sit down and finish it because it doesn't have a deadline.

But I am sad about losing two things:

(One) the people. I have some close friends and a giant circle of acquaintances here, and I like that. I will not keep in touch with most of those people because I am terrible at keeping in touch in the first place, and I don't have truly significant relationships with most of them to maintain anyway. But I like the people here and I will miss the capability to strike up a conversation with an acquaintance on the way to class or at a meal, or to stop by someone's mod or office just to say hi. I foresee life beyond college being lonely in that way.

(Two) Liberal arts. As I've been applying to medical school and then looking for jobs, it is plainly and painfully obvious to me that I will not have electives in my life. I am a huge nerd and love classes. I am pretty much the poster child for general education requirements -- I adored them. I minored in Bible & Religion because of Intro to Biblical Studies. I loved Gender in American History and Media Analysis even though they were lots of work and not required for my major or minor. I even liked P.E. activity classes. It is killing me that pre-med coursework took so much time and I didn't get to take all the electives I wanted to. And I took at least 16 credit hours every semester except this year (I was at 14.5 and 15.5 and didn't want to overload.)

Not getting accepted to medical school this year is already turning out to be a blessing. I'm glad I get (at least) a year off from school. College has been exhausting. So rewarding, but so exhausting. For the first time in my life, I've actually had to study, and at times I've been average or worse. I've stretched myself thin with too many activities and not enough sleep. I've forced my brain into overdrive for four straight years.

I have sharpened my ability to think, to question, to analyze, to manage, to consider, to listen. But I feel acutely this semester how draining the past four years have been. I find myself grasping for words all the time. I can't commit entire botany lectures to memory like I could zoology lectures. I don't remember the content in texts I read earlier in the day, and I am slow to produce answers, even when I know them. I feel like I have lost intelligence, but I think I'm just tired.