I'm over swine flu. No, I don't mean I've recovered from it. (Despite being exposed to that and all sorts of other illnesses rather frequently, my immune system is still truckin' along without assault). I mean I'm done dealing with it. Or more specifically, I'm done dealing with people freaking out about it.
I've been working at the doctor's office since the beginning of September -- right when the H1N1/swine flu epidemic hit Colorado full force. As someone who answers phones at a family practice office, I am privileged with hearing the general public freak out about swine flu every day.
Seriously. Every day. Plenty of them ask reasonable questions, but so many of them have common-sense answers. And then there are a few questions that are just dumb. And the worst ones are the questions that start out, "I heard on TV that..."
Oh, I just shudder when I hear somebody start out with that.
Here is my Swine Flu FAQ, including questions both reasonable and unreasonable.
Q: I have a fever, sore throat, fatigue, chills, body aches, and diarrhea. Do I have the swine flu?
A: Probably. According to the medical practitioners here, the health department, and the CDC, you can assume so.
Q: I have the flu. Can I come in and find out if I have swine flu or regular flu?
A: No. The health department won't even test any more samples, and P.S. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH FLU YOU HAVE. They both make you feel like crap. They both resolve in about a week. You can get secondary infections on top of either one. They both in rare cases can cause severe complications including death. Knowing which virus you're infected with won't change any of that, and you don't need to know which virus you have to take care of yourself and watch out for complications.
Q: I have a sore throat, fatigue, and body aches, but I don't have a fever or diarrhea. Do you think I have swine flu?
A: You could. You could also have another virus. But let me just use my special fiberoptic-cable-transcending swine flu detector to find out so you can freak out appropriately if the virus you have is H1N1.
Q: I think I have a mild case of the flu. Can I schedule an appointment to come see the doctor?
A: Sure, if you want to give us some money, sap all your energy getting to the doctor's office, expose some people to whatever you do have, and have the doctor tell you to go home and get lots of rest and fluids.
Q: My cousin's stepdaughter has the flu and they think it's swine flu and I am perfectly healthy and don't have any symptoms and I can't come in for an office visit. Will you prescribe me some Tamiflu?
A: Seriously? There's a Tamiflu shortage. Hell no you can't have it if you feel fine and won't even come in for an office visit.
Q: I think I have the flu. Will you prescribe me some antibiotics?
A: Antibiotics won't help with your virus. Dumbass. Do you want your grandchildren to have antibiotics that work?
Q: I feel like I'm getting the flu. Do you have the swine flu vaccine yet?
A: No we don't, and even if we did it wouldn't do you any good because you already have the virus in your system. Don't you understand how vaccinations work?
Q: On TV they said that swine flu is going to kill me and my children, incite riots, and drain all the joy from the world. Should I be stocking up on canned goods? Can I have some Tamiflu?
A: Only if you fill the bottle with explosives and throw it at your television.
5 comments:
oh allison. you are hilarious to me. did you see the daily show bit about H1N1? funny. I think it was the 14th... except, i totally have questions about swine flu. i mean, I, kara, healthy 23 year old, don''t really have questions. but kara, mother of a six month old son does. mainly because his pediatrician told me that i need to watch for the vaccine and bring him in when it comes to CA. But then she said "oh by the time he comes in for his november appointment we'll probably be out of the regular flu vaccines. oh well, don't worry". and that's when I got confused. regular flu vaccine: don't worry about it. swine flu vaccine: bring him in pronto?
Allison! I found your blog (this is Emily from FMC, etc). Good work on the swine flu post. I also have a blog, www.emilinda.blogspot.com
Good to know another blogger is out there. :)
Kara, that is what I would consider a sensible question. Nobody wants an infant with any kind of flu, and Jaime's new little immune system is probably equally sensitive to everything at this point. Maybe his doctor was thinking swine flu will be going around more than seasonal flu this year? Or maybe because seasonal flu shots are easier to get at drugstores and such?
It was fun to read your swine flu blog. It is annoying to have to repeat oneself all the time, like "is this spicy chicken sandwich, or how much does this cost?" Read the sign, or oh, are you in highschool
without being able to read?
This post is great. Fortunately, most of the people at KU (where the 'epidemic' was pretty rough at the beginning of school) have since been educated that, seriously, h1n1 isn't that big of a deal.
Also, clear your schedule from january 6th-12th for at least one day to ski with your bro!
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