"We who were formerly no people at all..."

In my newspaper today, which was devoted mostly to the tenth anniversary of 9/11, I found an ad for picture frames on sale. So this afternoon I bought a frame for this print, which I have had for almost a year:

Among other things, it says this, if you can't read the picture:

"The Prince of Peace is Jesus Christ. We who were formerly no people at all, and who knew of no peace, are now called to be a church... of peace. True Christians do not know vengeance. They are the children of peace. Their mouths speak peace, and they walk in the way of peace."

-Menno Simons, Reply to False Accusations, 1552

Ten years to the day after the solemn voice of my high school principal interrupted a test I was taking in freshman Drama class to announce that planes had flown into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, I will hang in my home this call to peace written by the founder of the church I embraced because of 9/11.

On that day, I was worried: first for the safety of my cousins who live in New York City, and then, increasingly as days and weeks passed, about what new horrors would arise as a result of the terror of that day. I felt angry - first at the nebulous, powerful, extensive terrorist organization I was learning about for what they had done, and then at the bloodlust I saw from politicians and ordinary people as they responded.

Flags flew, voices on the radio and television called for retaliation, the National Anthem was played more than ever in my life, Arab and Muslim Americans were made victims of hate crimes, flags showed up on politicians' suits and people's t-shirts, bombing began in Afghanistan.

I said the Pledge of Allegiance on one of those early days and for the first time, I thought about what I was saying. "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America..." which was omnipresent in those days, "...and to the republic for which it stands..." which was breaking my heart with its swift retribution.

I wanted to take part in the national mourning, but the national mourning in one breath expressed grief and called for infliction of further violence. How could we cry for the loss of three thousand innocent people and at the same time demand more death? I wanted calls for peace, I wanted to think about how a country makes brave strides toward forgiveness and seeks true justice in the face of terrible violence. I remember George W. Bush on television, assuring America that "You're either with us or you're against us" as he called for war. I felt profoundly alienated.

Each successive 9/11 anniversary, my anger and alienation have lessened and sadness and commitment to peace have grown.

On this 9/11/11, may we be reminded that we humans are children of peace. May our hearts overflow with peace. May we speak peace and walk in the way of peace.

Vaya con Dios, mi hermanita

Today my sister Grace leaves for a one-year service term in Santa Cruz, Bolivia. Which means (I just calculated) that she will be 4,785 miles away. I am incredibly proud of her for doing this. Several of my friends have done terms with SALT, but mostly after college -- and Grace is going before college. I wish I had taken a gap year.

She is nervous and excited about going. I am nervous and excited for her, but not being the one going, and six more years of perspective, means I'm mostly just excited for her. I know she is going to have an amazing experience and learn so much. She is already a thoughtful, funny, mature young woman. She will come back with a more global perspective, kickass Spanish skills, and who knows what other invaluable experiences. In case you want to follow her journey, she's blogging about it here.

I have been pretty happy about my sister since about the time I found out I was getting a sister. That's me (age almost 6) on the right, my brother Nicholas (4) on the left, and baby Grace in the middle. Circa March 1993.

And more recently:

Road Trip to Utah

Last weekend we went on a road trip with Jess and Bonni. We spent a day in Glenwood Springs, CO (where we went to the hot springs pool). The next day, it was on to Dinosaur National Monument, where we hiked and camped. With some planning, Ross and Jess were able to recreate the glorious experience from a previous camping trip of frying Spam on a hot rock. It was better than I remembered.

(Bonni & Jess hiking at Dinosaur)

We drove south to Moab, UT, the next day, where we visited Canyonlands National Park that afternoon and Arches National Park the next morning. After marveling at the scenery, it was time to head back to Denver by way of the Colorado National Monument. Below are pictures of Ross and me at Arches National Park and of a view within Canyonlands National Park.

These national parks and monuments were full of some amazing rock formations. There were a lot of places where a view down from a bluff was so staggering that we all felt like our brains couldn't quite figure out how to process the visual information. It was truly awesome.

New job

Big news for me -- I recently accepted a new job! I'll start working as a research assistant studying renal disease and hypertension (that's kidneys and high blood pressure, for my readers whose vocabularies do not favor the medical) at University of Colorado's medical center in mid-July. I started reading through the project descriptions for what I'll be doing today. I'm excited and apprehensive about this.

I'm excited because...
- I will get to use my brain so much more than at my current job. My mind is crying out to be challenged.
- The new job has better pay and kickass benefits.
- I won't have to deal with the rude patients anymore.
- Did I mention that I'm looking forward to an intellectual challenge?

I'm apprehensive because...
- I will not have a close-knit group of coworkers like I do at my current job - it'll just be me and my boss.
- I don't know much about kidneys or the vascular system yet.
- I think I may miss patient contact.
- The timing of me leaving my job is not especially convenient for them, and I feel kind of bad about that.

In the mean time, I am trying to figure out what to do career-wise. Main options include nurse practitioner, physician assistant, or Ph.D. in human medical genetics or molecular physiology. I'm not ruling out medical school or a master's in genetic counseling either. I sure wish I could figure my life out.

A good day.

I had a really nice day today. It was one of those days that feels really long in a good way, I think because I didn't have any expectations or errands I had to run, just lived in the moment.

After church, Jess mentioned that he needed to go to the garden store, and I asked if I could go with him. Ross was sick (that part was not one of the nice parts) but just sick enough to want to stay home and not do too much, and Jess's girlfriend, Bonni, was working all day. So we decided to hang out together - something I don't think we've done in a long time. It was really pleasant -- I've missed one-on-one time with Jess. He's one of my best friends from college, but we usually hang out at least with our significant others.

We went to the garden center, helped Connie and John rig up a trellis for hops plants, met Bonni and Laura in the afternoon on Bonni's lunch break and then went to Starbucks with Laura and took her dog for a walk around a park with a lake and prairie dogs and gorgeous views of the mountains. Afterward, Laura and Jess both needed to do some gardening, so I went with Jess back to his house (via Home Depot), we planted vegetables, and then reunited with Laura and Bonni for game night at another friend's house. (I skipped out on that after parfaits to come home.)

I wish I had pictures for this post, but I don't. It was just a really nice day and sometimes, when you have a day like today, you just want to put it out there.

Cold War Birthday Party

Ross and I celebrated our birthdays (April 8 and May 19) on Saturday. We had a Cold War themed birthday party.

People came in costume. There were cookies, dry ice, glow bracelets, and Atomic Age info-propaganda films and sound clips.

John and Connie (our gracious hosts) even broke open a package of authentic survival crackers! John got them when he was a food pantry volunteer in the 1980s -- he says a government truck dropped off several tins of these. They tasted and smelled like cardboard.

We had a wonderful time!

Demographic Oppression

I am currently reading "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell. It's a very interesting read -- Ross recommended it to me and I am finding it captivating so far -- but it is making me depressed about my future.

Gladwell's thesis is basically that wildly successful people achieve great success not only because of their own talent and hard work, but also (and mostly) because of their life circumstances -- even because of the day a person was born. This is not exactly an earth-shattering proposition to me. However, Gladwell gives examples of one success story after another, and the more I read, the more fatalistic I get about my own chances for, oh, say, achieving my life goal and dream of becoming a physician.

I have failed to gain admission to medical school twice now. I don't think I am an unqualified candidate. I went to college on academic scholarships and won two writing contests. I completed all the pre-medical coursework and then some, and my GPA is 3.46. I scored a 28 and then a 29 on the MCAT. My most significant work experience is in clinical and research settings. I have done hundreds of hours of volunteer work and extracurricular activity participation. My application essays are eloquent, and I can discuss multiple current issues in modern health care at length. The numerical values of my preparedness are not the best ones out there -- they are around average, a little below average for matriculating med students in the years I applied. But they ought to be good enough.

In 1999, the average MCAT and GPA of a newly accepted medical student were 29.7 and 3.59. In 2010, the averages were an MCAT of 31.1 and a GPA of 3.67. In the last decade, average medical school acceptance rates have stayed around 42% or 43% while grade point averages and test scores for applicants have inflated.

But I was born in the Millenial Generation, the biggest generation since the Baby Boomers and, I read, three times the size of Generation X. My graduating class pushed our school buildings' capacities to the limits. The "Great Recession" hit in September 2008. I graduated from college eight months later. I've read somewhere that young people who enter the job market during a recession face handicapped earning potential for the rest of their lives. Demographically, according to Gladwell, I am screwed. Someone just like me but fifteen years older would have faced far less competition and probably succeeded where I have failed. I wish I had known that years ago. I might have spent extra hours studying.

One of the points that Gladwell makes is that there seems to be an intelligence threshold for professional success. One does not need to be the most intelligent or get the best grades or test scores to succeed. One only needs to be intelligent enough, a good enough student. Surely more than 43% of medical school applicants meet that threshold and would be successful physicians given the chance. I think I am one of them.

So many people have commented to me that I would be a good doctor or that they would see me as their personal physician. I have wanted that, and worked for that, for more than half my life. There is a physician shortage, projected to get worse. So why am I facing an identity crisis instead of finishing my second year of medical school? Why am I trying to dissolve fourteen years of hopes and dreams, to convince myself that I don't want to be a doctor after all?

This was not the plan.